We've split our time in Laos between Luang Prabang, Vang Vieng and the capital, Vientiane. Buddhist Laos has been an odd mix of ridiculous fun and frustrating bad luck (your typical soul sucking purse and shoe thievery). This juxtaposition leading us to our newly coined term for our Laos adventures; Buddhicrous. For example, "There's a used latex glove sitting on the overflowing toilet on this bus, this is just Buddhicrous!". I already have the copyright on this term so don't go making bumper stickers off our million dollar idea. The bus ride was not all lost though, Kelly got a bonus, half eaten corn cob in her seat. All I got was a dead moth.
With our dignity rightfully deflated due to the lack of sleep from the glamorous cross-country over night bus, we knowingly ventured to the douche bag hot spot that is Vang Vieng. Vang Vieng resembles a perpetual MTV spring break location complete with your standard biki-clad underagers. Every restaurant plays non-stop episodes of Friends and The Family Guy which when combined with the "happy shakes" and the pillow laden lounging tables, makes for the perfect business plan. Keep your clientele comfy, stoned and entertained in their native tongue and you've got yourself an all-day customer. The star attraction in Vang Viene (besides the happy shakes) revolves around a particularly lazy flowing river. An unknowing, and now remorseful, organic Laos farm owner started the tradition of lending his workers inner tubes so that they could unwind after a hard days work by floating down the river. The pure genius of this simple idea quickly caught on and bar after bar started popping up along the river. Now instead of drunk driving to the next bar you can flop into your favorite floaty toy, beer in hand, and let the current gently pull you to the next watering hole. In a previous life, Vang Vieng was known more for the significant US Air Force base that played part in the Vietnam War (to be referred to from now on as The War That Shall Not Be Named). The river is now lined with techno-pop bars serving pot laced milkshakes (though I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder to enjoy the tranquility of the epic cliff faces and lush Laos forest). Each bar makes a serious attempt to outdo it's neighbor, primarily by means of the contraptions they have constructed to launch drunken 20-somethings into the river. Some of these contraptions include water slides, zip lines, trapezes and my favorite skull fracturing contraption; The Blob. All seemingly safe ways in which to fling your highly intoxicated body into a shallow river during the dry season. Don't worry though, I'm fairly confident that these activities are strictly regulated by impoverished, communist Laos. Oh wait. My tirade of previous judgmental comments by no means dissuaded us from floating that river. Rather than making any admittances in writing, I'll leave you to estimate the level of inebriation. Hint; you're right.
Our brief fling in Vang Vieng allowed us to return to Vientiane before our scheduled departure to Vietnam. We are particularly excited to return to the capital; not for the city's lacking aesthetics or abundance of street cats, but for the group aerobics in the park. Two instructors, a ultra fit young Laos woman and a fabulous lady boy, lead dozens of middle-age Laos women through Jane Fonda-like dance moves to, you guessed it, the very popular, previously referenced, asian techno-pop. The music is definitely enough to get my blood pumping if not almost inducing a minor epileptic episode (hopefully my repeated bashing of this genre is properly distracting you from my forbidden techno love). Kelly and I are at least twice the height of everyone else and about half as coordinated. We are absolutely conspicuous and highly embarrassed that women my mom's age are out dancing me. The bass bumping music peeks enough tourist interest as is, but the sight of the towering double mint twins bopping along is what really inspires them to photograph and film every second of me sweating my face off. If the two gay guys filming us last night have their way, you'll probably be able to find us on YouTube within the next few hours. So as everyone records their vacation memories, I'm secretly swearing at the instructor thinking, you want me to move my hands AND feet at the same time? At least the Laos moms are encouraging. They are the first to give you the post work out thumbs up and they always are complimenting me on my perfume. My signature scent that I can't Jazzersize without? Jungle Strength Deet 30.
The awesome aerobics instructors (the lady boy instructor was more than excited to pose for the picture)
ladyboys, YES!!!
ReplyDelete